Proverb by my boyfriend đź’«
He said this to me in 2022 when I was in a position to have some really tough conversations and own up to some things.
His main concern was not that I wouldn’t take accountability. It was that I would accept and shoulder blame that actually wasn’t mine.
It’s very important when we discuss accountability to include stopping at the edge of the cliff.
We can be tempted to run over the side as an act of self-flagellation. To prove how sorry we are. To hurt ourselves because others believe we deserve to hurt.
Because we ourselves believe we deserve to hurt.
This does nothing. This DOES NOT help. It perpetuates a shitty loop that goes around and around. That loop doesn’t make us any more “validly apologetic” than simply being kind, being firm, offering to help, but taking no shit.
Ownership of your actions or a situation does not mean you are obliged to climb into the gallows in the town square.
Make it right if you can. If you can’t, learn and move on.
There will be situations that you cannot fix, and that needs to be okay. Absolution is not an inherent part of accountability.
Something else that's hard to hear?
Neither is forgiveness.
You do not have to be forgiven in order to have taken accountability.
Forgiving you is the business of those you affected. And it will be shaped by their experiences, their personalities, their intentions, and their beliefs--about themselves, about you, about justice, etc.
When was the last time you went overboard in taking accountability and ownership? Are you a natural people-pleaser? Reply to this email and tell me all about it, or comment on the post.
And hey, if you got something from this, I bet you know someone else who would find it helpful, too. Would you please forward this email to someone who might benefit?
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