Statements of Desire: When to Not Respond

If you are a caregiver to children, you are very likely to identify with the following scenario:

A kiddo comes into the room, interrupting what you are in the middle of doing, by saying something like, "I want a cup of water."

Your second nature leads you to get up from what you're doing (probably disrupting the flow of the task and decreasing the chances of it actually getting finished) and provide that cup of water. 

The child leaves the room and you may--or may not--go back to what you were doing before being interrupted. 

If I called you on this in the moment, you'd tell me you stopped what you were doing because the child asked for water. 

...but you'd be wrong. 

The child didn't ask for water. The child didn't ask for anything; no questions were asked, but rather, a statement of desire was made.

You will do better by the children you're in contact with to break this habit. Make it part of the culture of your environment that you only move to solve problems when you are specifically asked for help. 

Why?

Because so many of us are living with individuals--particularly men and AMAB folks--who were raised in a culture where making a statement of desire causes things to magically materialize. "I want an ice cream sandwich," results in being handed an ice cream sandwich. And this subliminal message--that invisible labor fairies show up when we make wishes--permeates relationships and living arrangements, to everyone's detriment. 

Break this cycle.

An easy way to do this is to say, "A statement of desire on your part does not translate to a request on my part." Or you can simply practice hearing what people say and receiving it gracefully without moving to act or solve. 

P. S. More than likely...that child can get that damn water themselves, even if they do ask, even if they ask really politely in fact. And it's valid to say so and keep doing what you're doing!